Rhymin' and Stealin'

Fielding Compliments

2011-10-17T14:51:00.004-06:00

I'm sitting outside the Bishop's office, talking to some friends and not going to sunday school.

Unknown boy at the other end of the hallway: "Hey! I think you look like Audrey Hepburn from the side!"

Me, taken aback and responding impulsively to unknown boy's unexpected comment: "Why, because I'm bland and have giant cartoon eyes?"

Unknown boy, with a single tear rolling down his cheek: "I'll never speak to a woman again."

Me: Dammit.

I'm Back

2011-08-31T23:17:00.000-06:00

I have survived my adventure and am now back in school. However, I don't particularly feel like writing about it right now. So, instead of telling stories, I will post a film that I and three other kids made for school last year.

It's about wrestling, so prepare yourselves.

A Post

2011-07-06T21:21:00.001-06:00

I know you're all dying to find out what's happening in my life, so I shall tell you. First things first, I'm leaving to go on a study abroad tomorrow. Destinations include Australia, New Zealand, and Fiji. The program is offered through the recreation management program.

"But Drew," you say, "you're not a part of the rec. management program."
"Quite right." I reply while stirring my tea, monocle perched daintily upon my cheek.
"So you mean to say that you're going on a completely superfluous study abroad?" you gasp, "Don't you know how wasteful that is?!"

Yes, going on a study abroad where I get no credit that is of use to me is quite unnecessary, if not wasteful. But guys. What about FUN? We camp, backpack, scuba dive, snorkel, skydive, black water raft, eat stuff and go to beaches. It's a very rigorous academic program, to be sure. So, when I get back, I'm sure I'll have all sorts of fun happenings to blog about.

But for now, a story. I wanted to get my hair cut pretty short for this trip so I wouldn't have to deal with it very much. 1 and a 1/2 inches, probably. So, I waltzed on over to my friend's (Annie) house to utilize her mom's (Susan) sweet hair cutting skills. When I got there, Susan was on the phone. Annie said that Susan was probably going to be talking for a while, so Annie suggested that she do the cutting herself. We got the buzzer out, selected what we thought was the appropriate extension for my desired hair length, and went out to the backyard. I sat down and Annie ran the buzzer across the top of my head. She got a look on her face.
"What? Is it pretty short?" I ask.
"Oh, it looks fine." she says. She finished the rest of my head and I looked in a mirror.

As it turns out, we severely miscalculated the length of the buzzer extension. My desired short pixie turned into a straight up Sinead O'Connor.
Annie reassured me that it looked fine while I had a series of tiny panic attacks. Susan, finally freed from her conversation, suggested that I stay away from collared shirts for a while.

But behold! I have recovered from my initial shock and now accept my situation. Zero maintenance! I look forward to several weeks of being mistaken for a boy, a recovering cancer patient, and a lesbian, in that order.

See you in 5 weeks!

An Easter Treat

2011-04-22T16:12:00.004-06:00

On this Easter weekend, I would like to share with you all a story from the March 2008 issue of that fine LDS children's publication The Friend. I hope it will give you cause for some fruitful introspection.

Candy, or Kindess?
By Annette Alger
(Based on a true story)

It was almost time for the town’s annual Easter egg hunt. Children lined up along the edge of the lawn, waiting for the signal to begin hunting for candy that had been scattered everywhere. This year there were other prizes too. Brightly colored plastic eggs had been hidden in the grass, and whoever found one could redeem it for a big candy bar.

Eight-year-old Justin saw one of those eggs lying not far away. As soon as the signal was given, he ran straight for it. He grabbed the egg, then noticed another one close by. Quickly, he retrieved it too. He gazed down at his hands, each now holding a plastic egg. He was so excited. He was not only going to get one, but two delicious, gigantic candy bars!

Then he looked up and saw a mother with her two sons. He could see that the boys were blind, and their mother was holding their hands trying to help them find some treats. As Justin watched them, he noticed that before the mother could lead her sons to candy, another child would spy it and promptly scoop it up. This happened again and again. The hunt was almost over and the boys’ hands were still empty.

Once more, Justin looked down at his hands and his treasured eggs. Then he quietly tiptoed over to the boys, bent down, and placed an egg on the ground by each of them. The mother, with a tear streaming down her cheek, mouthed the words, “Thank you.” She guided her sons’ hands downward and they discovered the precious eggs. Their faces lit up with excitement. Justin got a big grin on his face. He didn’t get any candy bars that day, but he still felt like a winner.

Have a great easter weekend, everyone.

Update

2011-03-17T21:00:00.001-06:00

Test results are back. Litha does NOT have tuberculosis, just a raging chest infection that apparently leaves holes in her lungs. So, that's unfortunate. But at least it's not TB.

In other news, this.

What's Been Happening

2011-03-17T01:58:00.002-06:00

I turned 20 on monday, so that means the blog gets an update.

I was going to write a post about how my Cambodian roommate's Brazilian fiance always pees on our toilet seat and doesn't wipe it up, but then something way more interesting occurred.

Although I might have fabricated some dialogue, the following events really happened.

Tuesday Night, 9:00 pm. Provo, Utah.

Mary and Rachel are sitting on a couch in their dingy apartment. A Mary Kay representative sits opposite them, attempting to hawk her wares.

"Don't be afraid to really rub it in, ladies. This exfoliant is military grade. It's what the Marines use!" she chirps.

"Yes, I can feel the freedom seeping through my pores!" enthuses Rachel. The women laugh heartily. Just then, their happy gathering is interrupted by the sound of violent coughing from the other room. The coughing is followed by a voice.

"Mary, can you come here?" Mary obeys the voice. She rounds the corner to find Litha standing over a blood spattered sink looking confused.

"Huh." Mary says. "I think we need to go to the emergency room."

Mary summons Rachel to come and assist her. Litha runs to the toilet and vomits bloody mucus. Mary takes a sample. Rachel attempts to help Litha put her coat on. Renee emerges from her bedroom looking confused. The Mary Kay representative hurriedly gathers up her things and leaves in a panic. Mary, cursing The Fates as she does so, grabs her good mixing bowl and holds it in front of Litha's face.

"Let's roll."

Cut to black.

Two Hours Later...

Drew stumbles into the apartment. It's strangely quiet. She adjusts her glasses and hikes up her pants.

"Hey! Where is everybody?!"

Renee, sitting cross legged on the floor while watching Treasure Planet, whips her head around violently.

"Did you hear what happened to Litha?!"

Renee relates the nights happenings to Drew. Drew immediately calls Mary. Mary answers. Drew asks her what the hell. Mary, sniffing in disdain at Drew's foul language, tells her not to worry, that the doctor thinks it's just bronchitis or something, says that she will call back when they know more. She hangs up. Drew and Renee converse.

'Bronchitis,' they say, 'You don't cough up blood when you have bronchitis, do you?' 'I'm not a doctor.' 'I'm aware of that.'

Renee goes back to Treasure Planet while Drew logs onto her trusty medical diagnosis sites. At one point, she makes her way to bathroom, where she finds a glass of what looks like Kool-Aid on the counter.

"What's in this glass?" she asks.

"Oh," says Renee, "That's Litha's water."

"It's red."

"Yeah."

Drew throws the glass and its contents in the dumpster.

One Hour Later (12:00)...

Mary calls Drew.

"So," she says. "The doctors were pretty sure it was Bronchitis until they took a chest x-ray. I guess the x-ray wasn't normal, because they came back and said they wanted a CT scan. They took one and found a cavity in her lung."

"What does that mean?"

"Like a hole."

"Oh."

"Anyway, that wasn't good, so they drained her lungs and ran some tests on her blood and stuff. At this point, they had taken out all the other patients in the room and closed the doors. The nurses were wearing full on body suits. Rachel and I were breathing through our shirts because we didn't know what was going on and they didn't give us masks. Then a lung specialist came in and told us that they had narrowed it down to three things; fungal infection, tuberculosis, or lung cancer. Since Litha's Cambodian, they think tuberculosis is the most likely. Now we're waiting for them to take her to her own room because she has to be quarantined for three days. Litha's crying and freaking out because she doesn't have insurance and I had to throw away my mixing bowl because it was full of lung blood."

Drew gets off the phone. She relays the information to Renee. They begin to laugh nervously.

"Why are you laughing?" asks Renee.

"I don't know, this isn't funny"

"Well, what should we do?"

"I have no idea."

"Do you know any doctors?"

"Yeah, but I don't think that's going to do us any good. Also, it's almost 1:00."

"Yeah, but what do we DO?"

"Clean?"

So, Renee and Drew turn on The White Album, break out the bleach and the latex gloves, and begin scrubbing. They scrub the blood off the sinks. They fill the toilet with Comet. They throw away Litha's toothbrush. They eat a whole chocolate cake. They clean into the wee hours of the morning, getting high off cleaner fumes while feeling more and more panicky, a feeling that is not exactly eased by the less than soothing sounds of Revolution 9.

Mary and Rachel arrive back at the apartment at 3:00. The four girls go to bed soon after, resigned to the fact that they will probably be dead in a few weeks.

So, that's what happened. Litha is still in the hospital. The tests are still inconclusive, so we don't know if we're slowly dying or not. We'll see. Stay tuned. The good new is that the Brazilian fiance won't be by to pee on our toilet for three days.

Wolverine Has A Moment: The Movie

2011-01-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

Wolverine from Drew Duncan on Vimeo.

Damascus

2010-12-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

Oh I'm so happy to be home for the holidays after that tough semester now I can rest and sleep in till 10 and all that kind of stuff I wonder how my friend Damascus is doing I haven't seen her for a while I'll just go downstairs and OH MY WHAT THE HELL?!?!

Molted.

Don't worry, she survived.

Christmas is Coming...

2010-11-16T12:46:00.000-07:00

The film department offered a $1,000 prize for the best department Christmas card design...

Concept my me, art by Sarah. I think we have a good chance of winning.

Bonus points if you can see the erased outline of Santa. He's the best ladder spotter around.

A Cautionary Tale.

2010-10-07T23:23:00.000-06:00

My roommate, Mary, has a friend who somehow got a bunch of tickets to the Sunday afternoon session of general conference. He invited her and told her she could bring a friend. I was chosen to be that friend. Huzzah. So, after I came back from the first-session-breakfast-casserole party at my aunt's house, we left to drive up to Salt Lake. Mary and her friend, Tolson, were in the front. I was in the back with two of Tolson's female friends whose names escape me now. Things were going as well as an awkward car ride with strangers can be expected to go. However, as we were passing American Fork, I felt a familiar sensation coming on.

In case you didn't know, I don't have the strongest stomach when it comes to motion. Or existing, for that matter. I'm always nauseous in the morning. Car rides are a nightmare. I can't go on swing sets. Roller coasters are not an option. Even shaking my head semi-vigorously is not an option. I'm convinced that I'm missing something in my inner ear. Heaven forbid I ever get pregnant.

Anyway, that familiar nauseating feeling set in near American Fork. At this point, we still had about 30 minutes left in the car. I didn't want to draw attention to myself by asking to switch seats or anything, so I started settling in for the long haul. I am, after all, a pro at this kind of thing. I leaned back, focused on the horizon, breathed deeply, applied pressure to my inner wrist, tried not to think about bacon, etc. I was uncomfortable, but I felt like everything was under control.

Time passed. We entered South Salt Lake. I felt my handle on the situation starting to slip. 'But we're so close,' I thought, 'I can make it'. A few minutes later, I felt something start to come up. It became clear that I probably wasn't going to make it. I reluctantly began to ask Tolson if he had a bag in his car when I was stopped short. My mouth had suddenly become occupied with something else. I attempted to keep as calm as it is possible to be when one's mouth is full of vomit. I looked around for somewhere to vacate the contents of my mouth without anybody noticing. I briefly considered swallowing, but that thought was interrupted by a second wave from my distressed stomach. I gave up all hope of being inconspicuous as I started throwing up on the floor of the car.

The conversation in the car turned into a shocked silence as emission after emission (6, by my count) issued from the depths. I attempted to mutter my fervent apologies between streams, but was interrupted every time. As I was barfing, I noticed that this had to be one of the most productive vomit sessions I'd ever participated in. I think at one point Mary asked me slightly incredulously if I was finished. I also noticed that that aforementioned breakfast casserole didn't look nearly as appetizing the second time around.

I finished and kept my head down until we pulled into a gas station. I started to put my shoes on, but stopped when I noticed that they were full of barf. So, I ran in to the gas station bathroom barefoot, green-skinned, and covered in puke.

I locked the door and walked around in circles like an insane person, cursing myself for not at least attempting to stick my head out the window. As I came to realize that this wasn't a nightmare, I began to convince myself that I was going to stay in the gas station until everyone left and just ride the bus home. I figured I'd fit right in on the bus. At that point, Mary came in the bathroom and informed that I had to hurry because we were still going to conference whether I liked it or not. She brought a giant t-shirt from Tolson's trunk and helped me wash out my (brand new!) skirt.

Once back in the car, Mary tried bravely to lighten the mood with some barf-related jokes, but the damage was done. The girls in the back were practically sitting on top of each other in an attempt to get away from me. Due to my light-headedness and the faint odor of bile, conference was less than enjoyable. I'm not even going to talk about the smell that awaited us when we got back to the car.

Casualties: My shirt, my Toms (curses!), and my dignity.

Props to Mary, who cleaned out the car while I was having a break down in the bathroom and attempted to come up with her own embarrassing story to make me feel better. A true champ. Even though her embarrassing story couldn't even begin to eclipse mine.

Leviathan

2010-09-23T21:32:00.000-06:00

BYU Police Beat

2010-09-15T19:14:00.000-06:00

Excerpts from the Daily Universe police beat:

A female student in her 50s had an issue with the University. Police showed on the scene and told her it was not OK to yell and scream about it.

A call reported a person lying on the grass on the north end of the Conference Center. When police arrived the person was gone.

A man was reported trespassing on LaVell Edwards Stadium. When police arrived, they found the man was a worker at the stadium.

Officers responded to a report of a person in a gorilla suit at the JSB. The investigation
resulted in the arrest of a 15-year-old visitor for disorderly conduct.

A student reported a group of students picking up a car and moving it to a different parking stall. Police spoke with the owner of the car, who moved it back. There was no damage to the car.

A female student reported a male student showing his bare buttocks out the window of a car on East Campus Drive. An investigation is continuing.

Trespassing was reported at LaVell Edwards Stadium. When an officer arrived, she found it was just the sprinkling system.

A male was reported urinating in a cup outside of the SWKT. The male was stopped and identified. The complainant and victims chose not to press charges. The male was warned not to repeat this action in public again.

Campus Police received a call at 7 a.m. saying a bat was flying around in the Wilkinson Center. An officer was dispatched, who then opened a door, and the bat flew out.

Four males were reported attempting to catch ducks at the botany pond. The four males were asked to leave by police.

BYU officers responded to a report of a car playing music loudly from its speakers in a parking lot. The officers found students dancing by the vehicle. They were asked to turn down the music. The students complied and left the area.

An officer witnessed a male suspect kick one of the light posts on campus, causing it to go out. When the officer confronted the male, he apologized. Luckily, the light came back on and the male’s frustration didn’t damage the post seriously.

A caller with a Jamaican accent made a call to the police department trying to reach basketball coach Dave Rose. He wanted to inform the coach that he won a contest and to receive his prize he simply had to send them a cashier’s check. Being familiar with the scam, the officer told him to stop calling; the caller was persistent and continued his calls. By coincidence, the coach was in the office during one of his calls and told the secretary to give the caller his number. The coach then took care of the problem by blowing a very loud whistle into the mouthpiece. The caller has not called back since.

A Joke

2010-09-11T18:41:00.000-06:00

Courtesy of Sonya, my Korean roommate:

"So, okay. This doctor has these pipes that break or something, so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes and fixes the pipes, you know? The doctor asks to the plumber, 'So, you make pretty good money right?' The plumber says, 'Yeah it's pretty good.' Then the doctor says, 'Yeah I wish I was a plumber.' And so the plumber says, 'Yeah, cause I used to be a doctor!' Funny, right?"

What I Did This Summer.

2010-08-26T16:28:00.000-06:00

3 trips to California
+
1 trip to Alberta
+
1 trip to Poland
=
Approximately:
97 hours in a car
28 hours in a plane
18384 miles traveled.
And some deep vein thrombosis.

2010-07-13T20:31:00.000-06:00

Grandpa brings back dinner:

He caught it himself.

Vimeo

2010-06-20T19:15:00.000-06:00

I'm using this post to announce the launch of my Vimeo account. I am a film student, after all. I'm starting with a film I made last year about my friend Annie. I was going to use it for something, but then I didn't. So here it is. Watch if you feel like it.

I'm planning on posting videos somewhat regularly, although if the frequency of my blog posts are any indication, you probably don't have much to look forward to.

If you want more of Annie, I recommend this video. Lots of first-rate cross-dressing and bad wigs.

Wolverine Has A Moment

2010-02-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

Sledding

2010-01-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

Below is a diagram of a sled run that took place somewhere where I probably shouldn't have been sledding anyway: (click if you don't have 20/20 vision)

No more sledding with you, Mary.

Firsts

2009-09-02T14:41:00.000-06:00

First few days on campus: Witnessed a group of freshman orientees playing red rover. One team set up their line in front of a thick hedge of thorny bushes. They obviously have never played red rover before. A very determined girl broke through the line, ran halfway through the hedge, tripped through the other half, and face planted on the cement. It made my day.

First roommates: Walked into the kitchen during the middle of a conversation betwixt my roommates about their former boyfriends. Tried to make a sandwich and leave as quickly as possible, but was accosted. Conversation went as follows:

Roommates: Tee hee, what about you Drew? What's your baggage?

Me, already halfway out of the room: Oh, I've never had a boyfriend. Not really interested in dating.

Roommates: Silence

Me: Silence

Roommates: Buuuuuuttt....you think boys are cute right?

Me: Seeya

First day at church in student ward: Sunday school teacher asked if anyone could guess what the first lesson was on. Some kid said marriage. Teacher said yes. I thought it was a joke. It wasn't. Talked about what qualities we should emulate if we want to attract a good spouse. The teacher then talked how it was Satan's influence that was causing so many women to have careers nowadays. Said that women should only go to school to prepare to have children. On the way home, my roommates raved about how hot the teacher was. I felt nauseous.

First class: U.S Government. A boy asked if instead of the New York Times, he could watch Fox News as a source for current events.

First Book of Mormon class: The instructor told us that we had to read 1st Nephi through Alma 29 in the next ten days. He then told us that liars go to hell. He produced a letter he had received from a former student. The letter said that lying about the reading had slowly destroyed this student's soul and she was now writing to beg for forgiveness. I went home immediately after and dropped the class.

Go Cougars

Now what?

2009-06-05T18:08:00.001-06:00

I graduated.

I can't dress myself yet

I hear it's customary to think about one's future at this point in life, so that's what I've been doing. For the longest time, I've wanted to go into some film related profession. I based my school choices off how good their film programs were. So I applied to all these great schools, thinking I'd get into at least one. Turns out I overestimated my awesomeness, because i didn't get into any of them. So now I'm going to the place that I've always sworn I'd never go, BYU.

Now, I'm not bashing BYU. I know it's a good school. It's just that I'll be living ten minutes away from my house. And I think I've spent more than enough time in Utah then can possible be good for a human, and I really want to leave. And never live here again. And, if I do film at BYU, I'm going to have go through the program worrying that my dad will end up reading everything I write and seeing everything I make. Not my style.

And to make matters worse, I don't even know if I WANT to do film anymore. It isn't very practical, if that counts for anything. And it's kind of a self-important thing to major in anyway. Jeez, if I had thought this out before, I could be going to school somewhere different. Somewhere more awesome. But what else would I even do? I've been thinking of doing political science and being a diplomat or something, but does BYU even have a good program? But I still like movies...

So, I'm confused. And I need a job. Really badly. Really really badly.

The road to Damascus

2009-05-06T14:53:00.000-06:00

I got a pet about 2 months ago.

I took this Curly-Haired Tarantula off a boy I know who went on a mission. Acting on the suggestion of my sister, Claire, I named her Damascus. I was told that I didn't need to feed her until the end of April. They only eat once a month or so, apparently. So I didn't feed her, but problems arose whenever I attempted to take her out of the tank. She would whack me with her front legs whenever I stuck my hand in there. Partly offensive, partly freakin' scary. After a while, I gave up and accepted the fact that my spider was frigid and high-strung. But lo, miracles do happen. After I finally got around to feeding her, ol' Damascus was as chummy as can be, as evidenced by the picture. So, I guess everything turned out okay. Now if I could only get some real friends...

See What I Mean?

2009-03-22T20:51:00.000-06:00

P.S. I don't think I ever gave anyone any of this information

A slight misunderstanding...

2009-03-06T16:19:00.000-07:00

I received a package from the good people at Gillette the other day. On the outside of the box it said things like YOUR GAMEFACE NEEDS A NEW RAZOR and YOU'RE 18. YOU'VE GOT GAME. AND NOW YOU'VE GOT A FREE RAZOR. Inside, just as promised, was a free razor, along with some other masculine hygiene products. Which are different than feminine hygiene products, as it turns out.

I'm not complaining (those razors are sweet), but I do run into this issue frequently. Most of my mail is addressed to a Mr. Drew Duncan. The army always sends me two of everything, one for Ms. Mercedes Duncan and one for Mr. Drew Duncan. Dang it, I thought that only my parents and I knew about my hunchbacked twin brother!

Drew! Leave the Schwan's man alone!

I'm fine with it, though. As long as I keep getting free stuff.

TODAY!

2008-12-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

Cracklin' Rosie get on board...

Neil Diamond came to town and it was kind of an awesome, although he didn't look quite as good as he did in the above picture.

Forever in blue jeans, babe.

That's more like it. So, I went with my parents and my sister and about 10,000 old ladies to his concert. I discovered that it's actually kind of nice to go to a concert with a lot of old people because they don't/can't stand the whole time, which means I don't have to either. The elderly weren't the only denomination represented though. There was one guy dressed up as Santa. I also ran into a group of drunk women as they stormed the john. One of them farted very loudly in her stall and said, "That, girls, is what happens when you share a bathroom with me."
The concert was pretty good. Neil was in good voice, and he didn't disappoint in the sequins department. I did notice that he likes to point at the ceiling and do a squish face at the end of every song.

Hot August Night...

After he was done pointing, he would hunch over, apparently overpowered by his emotions, as the lights behind him created a dramatic silhouette.

Love on the rocks

I got a bit of a Vegas overload during the big America finale, when footage of a soaring bald eagle and a waving American flag was super-imposed over Neil pointing at the ceiling again on the big screen. Because Neil Diamond IS America. And the Brother Love number made me feel like I was at some Evangelical convention.

Pack up the babies...

Despite the shmaltz, or maybe because of it, I enjoyed the concert a lot. And no one spilled any beer on me.

Oh Hallow's Eve

2008-11-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

My Halloween was an exciting one. My friend and I decided to go rent a scary movie. I wanted to rent something that was actually scary, but my friend revealed herself as a scary movie wuss. She did, however, say she was a big fan of the ever popular killer bee genre, which led her to choose a little known movie called Killer Buzz. So we watched it.
So in the movie, everyone in the world has agreed to build a road through the rainforest. Everyone is really happy about it because it somehow solves global warming. Everyone, that is, except the natives. The natives seem to be pretty angry about the whole thing, so they sneak up sneakily on the construction and start shooting flaming arrows, as natives tend to do. So begins the first of many shoot 'em ups that the movie seems to think happen often in the jungle. One of the naughty natives gets hold of a gun and hits a man in the forehead from 100 feet. Another one jumps in a tractor and reveals himself to be a tractor driving pro. Both impressive instances, considering neither man had ever seen a gun or a tractor before. Anyway, they both get shot and some more people get shot and a building blows up and another building blows up. And then the same indian doing a flip after an explosion goes off behind him shot is used three times.
Anyway, the smoke clears and there is a lot of carnage on both sides.
An intrepid lady british reporter who was present during all of this action decides that this is going to make a good story. So she grabs her cameraman and sets off into the jungle, in the middle of the night.
"What are you looking for?" he asks.
"I don't know"
"Well, where are you going to find it?"
"I'm not sure..."
They continue marching when, suddenly, some jeeps start chasing them. While the cameraman simply hides in some bushes, our reporter decides to fall off a cliff and continue to run after she lands. So the cars find her again and she ends up getting shot and this swarm of bees descend upon her and everything goes black. I lost patience at this point, but I'll summarize the rest because I'm sure y'all want to know how it ends. The reporter lives (thank goodness) and her estranged husband is nice enough to come see her in this distant hospital, but all she can talk about is how he doesn't want to have kids. So the husband peaces out on a commercial flight to New York with, like, ten people on it. The passengers include an elderly couple, a yelling guy, a nervous looking Asian woman, and a black guy. There are also two teenage girls on the flight, one of which spurs the advances of an unfortunate looking nerd boy.
"What do women want?" the boy asks the husband.
"Kid, when you figure that out, you tell me."
Anway, back in the rainforest, the reporter figures out that the army has engineered super-bees to kill off all the pesky natives that stand in their way. But something goes wrong as a selfish doctor finds a case of these bees and decides he can make some mad cash off of them. So he steals the case and happens to catch the same plane that the husband is on. The bees get loose, and zaniness ensues.
So passes an hour of endless blown up villages, bleeding eyeballs, guys hanging out of open doors of airplanes, and stock footage from Vietman. The bees are stopped and humanity is saved. Also, the reporter and her husband get back together and stroll off into the jungle.
I didn't pay for it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SPKKBfIE5lg
Click here for a trailer.

Senior Pictures

2008-09-19T15:24:00.000-06:00

So my mother set up an appointment to get me some senior pictures. I made her do it now so my glorious tan could be documented for the ages. Now, I have to admit that I'm not the most natural of photo subjects. Most of my school pictures are a unflattering combination of "just been tranquilized" eyes and "Someone has a knife to my back" smiles. So I was a little uncomfortable posing for these pictures. I was also worried that my posterity would look at them and say "WE DESCENDED FROM THAT?"
The photographer man was nice enough. The poses weren't that bad, although one of them made me feel like a cross between Miss America and Long John Silver. Picture that.
So, half an hour and one outfit change later, I was finished. This was my mother's favorite:

And this is me melting:

And this is me stuck in a cosmic whirlpool:

My Summer Job

2008-09-02T16:07:00.000-06:00

Last summer i worked as a lifeguard at Seven Peaks Water Park. Every one told me that it was THE BEST JOB EVER and that I WOULD HAVE SO MUCH FUN. Turns out sitting in the sun all day and sweating your brains out is not the best job ever. So i didn't have very much fun that summer, which makes my decision to go back this year even more baffling. It was every bit as horrible as the previous year. The management was just as bad and the pay was just as low (as it turns out, you can get away with paying your employees under minimum wage when it's only a seasonal job).
You sort of end up hating humanity after watching the kind of people that frequent a water park. One exceptional fellow was lounging in the wave pool exchanging "pleasantries" with his girlfriend when his nipple piercing got caught on something and ripped his nipple off. All the way off. Luckily, he was able to salvage the lost piece of flesh so everyone in fist aid could see. I was disturbed.
You also sort of end up hating children after one rotation enforcing rules in the kids pool. One delightful child came up to me four separate times to ask me if i was a boy. I smiled and discreetly kicked him in the teeth.
The children often enjoy giving the lifeguard on duty high fives. I do not enjoy this practice, mostly because when children swim they have more snot running out of their faces than I thought was humanly possible. They then wipe they're noses with their hands and extend them expectantly. I flash them a smile that I imagine comes across as taunting and keep walking. Their parents then flash me a look that comes across as pissed off and go to complain to someone.
Oh course, there are perks. Like when the delightful radio disney talent comes and performs their high school musical dance routines in an effort to brainwash all of the patrons of the park. Okay, that isn't a perk, but at least everyone present feels a sense of unifying hatred for those shameless minions of the devil who smile too much.
I could go on about the cons and cons of each attraction, but I won't. Just know that Satan's Peaks Water Park is not all it's cracked up to be.

1st post!

2008-08-31T21:32:00.000-06:00

What are those things called where they mash all the letters close together and you have to read them so the internet knows you're not some evil robot? Well i just spent far too long typing in line after squishy line trying to change the address of my blog here. I even clicked on the nice handicapped man next to the normal people line to see if that would help. It just turned out to a disturbing audio clip featuring a monotonous sounding man reciting numbers over a chorus of disembodied voices trying to distract me from my goal. And it still didn't work. So, feeling less competent then a handicapped person, I was about to give up when I saw a link telling me that my changes had successfully been carried out. I tentatively clicked on the home page and saw that that statement was true. So I effectively wasted ten minutes posting this.