Monday, December 22, 2008


Cracklin' Rosie get on board...

Neil Diamond came to town and it was kind of an awesome, although he didn't look quite as good as he did in the above picture.

Forever in blue jeans, babe.

That's more like it. So, I went with my parents and my sister and about 10,000 old ladies to his concert. I discovered that it's actually kind of nice to go to a concert with a lot of old people because they don't/can't stand the whole time, which means I don't have to either. The elderly weren't the only denomination represented though. There was one guy dressed up as Santa. I also ran into a group of drunk women as they stormed the john. One of them farted very loudly in her stall and said, "That, girls, is what happens when you share a bathroom with me."
The concert was pretty good. Neil was in good voice, and he didn't disappoint in the sequins department. I did notice that he likes to point at the ceiling and do a squish face at the end of every song.

Hot August Night...

After he was done pointing, he would hunch over, apparently overpowered by his emotions, as the lights behind him created a dramatic silhouette.

Love on the rocks

I got a bit of a Vegas overload during the big America finale, when footage of a soaring bald eagle and a waving American flag was super-imposed over Neil pointing at the ceiling again on the big screen. Because Neil Diamond IS America. And the Brother Love number made me feel like I was at some Evangelical convention.

Pack up the babies...

Despite the shmaltz, or maybe because of it, I enjoyed the concert a lot. And no one spilled any beer on me.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Oh Hallow's Eve

My Halloween was an exciting one. My friend and I decided to go rent a scary movie. I wanted to rent something that was actually scary, but my friend revealed herself as a scary movie wuss. She did, however, say she was a big fan of the ever popular killer bee genre, which led her to choose a little known movie called Killer Buzz. So we watched it.
So in the movie, everyone in the world has agreed to build a road through the rainforest. Everyone is really happy about it because it somehow solves global warming. Everyone, that is, except the natives. The natives seem to be pretty angry about the whole thing, so they sneak up sneakily on the construction and start shooting flaming arrows, as natives tend to do. So begins the first of many shoot 'em ups that the movie seems to think happen often in the jungle. One of the naughty natives gets hold of a gun and hits a man in the forehead from 100 feet. Another one jumps in a tractor and reveals himself to be a tractor driving pro. Both impressive instances, considering neither man had ever seen a gun or a tractor before. Anyway, they both get shot and some more people get shot and a building blows up and another building blows up. And then the same indian doing a flip after an explosion goes off behind him shot is used three times.
Anyway, the smoke clears and there is a lot of carnage on both sides.
An intrepid lady british reporter who was present during all of this action decides that this is going to make a good story. So she grabs her cameraman and sets off into the jungle, in the middle of the night.
"What are you looking for?" he asks.
"I don't know"
"Well, where are you going to find it?"
"I'm not sure..."
They continue marching when, suddenly, some jeeps start chasing them. While the cameraman simply hides in some bushes, our reporter decides to fall off a cliff and continue to run after she lands. So the cars find her again and she ends up getting shot and this swarm of bees descend upon her and everything goes black. I lost patience at this point, but I'll summarize the rest because I'm sure y'all want to know how it ends. The reporter lives (thank goodness) and her estranged husband is nice enough to come see her in this distant hospital, but all she can talk about is how he doesn't want to have kids. So the husband peaces out on a commercial flight to New York with, like, ten people on it. The passengers include an elderly couple, a yelling guy, a nervous looking Asian woman, and a black guy. There are also two teenage girls on the flight, one of which spurs the advances of an unfortunate looking nerd boy.
"What do women want?" the boy asks the husband.
"Kid, when you figure that out, you tell me."
Anway, back in the rainforest, the reporter figures out that the army has engineered super-bees to kill off all the pesky natives that stand in their way. But something goes wrong as a selfish doctor finds a case of these bees and decides he can make some mad cash off of them. So he steals the case and happens to catch the same plane that the husband is on. The bees get loose, and zaniness ensues.
So passes an hour of endless blown up villages, bleeding eyeballs, guys hanging out of open doors of airplanes, and stock footage from Vietman. The bees are stopped and humanity is saved. Also, the reporter and her husband get back together and stroll off into the jungle.
I didn't pay for it.
Click here for a trailer.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Senior Pictures

So my mother set up an appointment to get me some senior pictures. I made her do it now so my glorious tan could be documented for the ages. Now, I have to admit that I'm not the most natural of photo subjects. Most of my school pictures are a unflattering combination of "just been tranquilized" eyes and "Someone has a knife to my back" smiles. So I was a little uncomfortable posing for these pictures. I was also worried that my posterity would look at them and say "WE DESCENDED FROM THAT?"
The photographer man was nice enough. The poses weren't that bad, although one of them made me feel like a cross between Miss America and Long John Silver. Picture that.
So, half an hour and one outfit change later, I was finished. This was my mother's favorite:

And this is me melting:

And this is me stuck in a cosmic whirlpool:

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

My Summer Job

Last summer i worked as a lifeguard at Seven Peaks Water Park. Every one told me that it was THE BEST JOB EVER and that I WOULD HAVE SO MUCH FUN. Turns out sitting in the sun all day and sweating your brains out is not the best job ever. So i didn't have very much fun that summer, which makes my decision to go back this year even more baffling. It was every bit as horrible as the previous year. The management was just as bad and the pay was just as low (as it turns out, you can get away with paying your employees under minimum wage when it's only a seasonal job).
You sort of end up hating humanity after watching the kind of people that frequent a water park. One exceptional fellow was lounging in the wave pool exchanging "pleasantries" with his girlfriend when his nipple piercing got caught on something and ripped his nipple off. All the way off. Luckily, he was able to salvage the lost piece of flesh so everyone in fist aid could see. I was disturbed.
You also sort of end up hating children after one rotation enforcing rules in the kids pool. One delightful child came up to me four separate times to ask me if i was a boy. I smiled and discreetly kicked him in the teeth.
The children often enjoy giving the lifeguard on duty high fives. I do not enjoy this practice, mostly because when children swim they have more snot running out of their faces than I thought was humanly possible. They then wipe they're noses with their hands and extend them expectantly. I flash them a smile that I imagine comes across as taunting and keep walking. Their parents then flash me a look that comes across as pissed off and go to complain to someone.
Oh course, there are perks. Like when the delightful radio disney talent comes and performs their high school musical dance routines in an effort to brainwash all of the patrons of the park. Okay, that isn't a perk, but at least everyone present feels a sense of unifying hatred for those shameless minions of the devil who smile too much.
I could go on about the cons and cons of each attraction, but I won't. Just know that Satan's Peaks Water Park is not all it's cracked up to be.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

1st post!

What are those things called where they mash all the letters close together and you have to read them so the internet knows you're not some evil robot? Well i just spent far too long typing in line after squishy line trying to change the address of my blog here. I even clicked on the nice handicapped man next to the normal people line to see if that would help. It just turned out to a disturbing audio clip featuring a monotonous sounding man reciting numbers over a chorus of disembodied voices trying to distract me from my goal. And it still didn't work. So, feeling less competent then a handicapped person, I was about to give up when I saw a link telling me that my changes had successfully been carried out. I tentatively clicked on the home page and saw that that statement was true. So I effectively wasted ten minutes posting this.