Wednesday, September 2, 2009


First few days on campus: Witnessed a group of freshman orientees playing red rover. One team set up their line in front of a thick hedge of thorny bushes. They obviously have never played red rover before. A very determined girl broke through the line, ran halfway through the hedge, tripped through the other half, and face planted on the cement. It made my day.

First roommates: Walked into the kitchen during the middle of a conversation betwixt my roommates about their former boyfriends. Tried to make a sandwich and leave as quickly as possible, but was accosted. Conversation went as follows:

Roommates: Tee hee, what about you Drew? What's your baggage?

Me, already halfway out of the room: Oh, I've never had a boyfriend. Not really interested in dating.

Roommates: Silence

Me: Silence

Roommates: think boys are cute right?

Me: Seeya

First day at church in student ward: Sunday school teacher asked if anyone could guess what the first lesson was on. Some kid said marriage. Teacher said yes. I thought it was a joke. It wasn't. Talked about what qualities we should emulate if we want to attract a good spouse. The teacher then talked how it was Satan's influence that was causing so many women to have careers nowadays. Said that women should only go to school to prepare to have children. On the way home, my roommates raved about how hot the teacher was. I felt nauseous.

First class: U.S Government. A boy asked if instead of the New York Times, he could watch Fox News as a source for current events.

First Book of Mormon class: The instructor told us that we had to read 1st Nephi through Alma 29 in the next ten days. He then told us that liars go to hell. He produced a letter he had received from a former student. The letter said that lying about the reading had slowly destroyed this student's soul and she was now writing to beg for forgiveness. I went home immediately after and dropped the class.

Go Cougars


Gavin said...

HAHAHAHAHA drew thank you for posting this. I loved it so much. You need to blog about all of your many misadventures at that horrid place. Cant wait for effing Ponyo.

A Few Tacos Shy... said...

You can do this! Sorry that you are surrounded by religious zealots. A few years of this and you will be able to move on with many odd and humorous stories to tell!

Hayley said...


memories of freshman year

[throw up]

regina said...

drew, that is hilarious!!!! i love you in a very lesbian way. you can tell your roommates that. PS. my code, secret passage word, to allow me to post on your blog is "hedisoc" sounds pretty bad.

LeMira said...

Okay, so I totally hang my head in shame, and then promptly laugh at the girl who fell in the bush (freshman stereotype RIGHT there), the looks on your roommates' faces as you rush out of the room, and the obviously correct doctrine you were taught in Sunday School by a "hot" guy. . . Seriously? Sheesh.

James Lambert said...

Just know that after teaching freshmen at both Arizona and Iowa, those firsts could be replaced by equally repellant other firsts. I recently had a freshman student declare that her first week of college taught her that expressing herself sexually was the most important statement she could make. Honestly? I actually let out a giggle.

I got the Book of Mormon lying lecture, and it resulted in me drafting, with my roommate, a fake letter to my teacher confessing that I never read for her class and how now I smoke because of it. We never sent it, and I probably never should have written it, but I couldn't help it--the actual letter from the missionary confessing his freshman Book of Mormon sins was just too ripe for parody.

I also used to use this strategy when confronted by the women in careers talk in Sunday School: I would ask what careers exactly were influenced by Satan. Is it just strippers and women politicians? Does Satan's influence make certain women become grocery cashiers and secretaries too? I only used these questions once actually, but I sufficiently stunned the class into prolonged disbelief. Even I felt weird afterwards.

If you want to know any other strategies for navigating freshmen year at BYU, just ask. Maybe I'll write my own blog about it.

P.S. In all fairness, I didn't really appreciate BYU until I started teaching freshmen from other major universities. I appreciate the wonderful red roverers much more than I ever thought I would, mainly because they care. You can't fault them that.

Haught Fudge said...

If you become a TA for TMA 102 you will have an even deeper well of BYU freshmen absurdity to share with your future kin.

If it's any consolation (even though you didn't ask) my first month at BYU left me so depressed and unhappy that I was very close to leaving. Then after film classes got underway, everything got much better and my BYU experience became some of the best years of my life.

This also may have been because I was a junior not a freshmen...

Gavin said...

More blog posts. now.

Carrie said...

Wow. sometimes I forgot what the BYU experience is like. But thanks for sharing Drew. Oh, this is Carrie Hakes btw :). I have that Beatles picture on your sidebar for my desktop background. Good stuff.

Caitlin said...

Colton thinks this is funny.